On Cannibalism and Friendship

Some people are nervous when they meet Daniel for the first time, and rightfully so. In addition to eating all of your candy, grilling you like Torquemada about your religious inclinations, and snatching your newborn baby out of your arms and tossing it into the air, Daniel may simply not like you. It doesn't happen often, but when he decides that you are not his cup of tea, nothing can deter him, and every encounter with him will begin with something along the lines of "Are you my wicked Aunt Lori?" (if you are my Aunt Lori), or "Are you one of Satan's warriors?" (if you are my best friend, Cade Ekblad-Frank). At first you think to yourself, "What do I care if a psychotic three hundred pound five year old thinks I'm nice or not?". But then you realize that Daniel, like most astute dogs and cats, is a remarkable people barometer. So, if he thinks you're an asshole, chances are you're probably an asshole. Chances are people who you think like you actually think you're an asshole. If Daniel doesn't like you, someone, somewhere, might be putting a hit out on you.
Therefore: Those who are concerned that my retarded little brother might decide on a whim that you are a gigantic dick would do well to follow this procedure:
Step One: Upon hearing from me that we will be stopping by my parents' house for the evening, or that my family is in town and you are invited to join us for a meal, immediately acquire two (2) pieces of white bread and one (1) Ziploc baggie. Do not, under anycircumstances use the end pieces of the loaf of bread in question. If end pieces are all you have in your house, go to the store and buy a new loaf of bread.
Step Two: Place the two pieces of bread in the Ziploc baggie, and put the baggie in a safe place onyour person, where squishing will be minimal.
Step Three: Within the first five to ten minutes of encountering my brother, take the bread from out its hiding place. Surreptitiously place your own hand between the two pieces of bread - if you have to excuse yourself for a moment, to maintain the element of surprise, do so.
Step Four: Present your hand, nestled between the two pieces of bread, to my brother. Daniel will at first begin giggling softly. He will then take your "hand sandwich" and tenatively nibble into it. Do not be alarmed. He will not bite you or hurt you in anyway. After a brief bout of love bites, he will then return your hand to you unharmed and laughing uncontrollably.
Step Five: Bask in the knowledge that you have made an ally for life. At the Ragnarok, when Daniel reveals himself to have been Odin in disguise, complete with eye-patch and pet raven, you will be recognized as one of the Chosen. You will be whisked away to Valhalla, where alcohol, sex, and Pac-Man machines are abundant, and where the same delicious suckling pig is eaten every night and resurrected every morning.
In the twenty four years I have known Daniel Sutherlin Boyce, I have not been able to decipher why the "Hand Sandwich" is so effective a tool for endearing oneself to my brother. I think, in essence, it is a trust exercise. Being acquainted with that boy is indeed a wild ride. Perhaps, he's thinking to himself, "if this idiot is willing to lose his hand to my ravenous and weird appetite, he's up for anything." Or maybe its just really funny.