On Privacy

In a fun twist that could only be provided by a grand old Jehovah with a sick sense of humor, Daniel began experiencing puberty. I remember being five years old, well before The Age of Unwarranted Boners, and still feeling the unrelenting urge to whip my dick out during Magic Carpet Story Time and poke people in their privates. I'm not sure if this is common behavior or just a sort of deviancy isolated to the Boyce clan. However, the fact remains that the sweaty smelly hormones of a teenager combined with the cognitive capacity of a kindergartner make for perverse roller coaster. While I was in Italy, Daniel grabbed the same girl's ass twice in one week. It was my favorite news from home.
It would be very long post if I attempted to document all the particulars of Daniel's descent in human sexuality. So many thinly veiled ruminations of Lil' Kim's blatant lack of modesty. So many times I caught Daniel watching the DVD extras of "X-Men", where they're in the process of painting a very nude Rebecca Romijn. But my favorite story of Daniel "discovering himself" involved my good friend David Moore.
David Moore came to live at my parents' house during the summer of 2004. My parents took an immediate liking to him. He was the polite, piano playing boy of efficient metabolism that I think they had always secretly wanted. He soon became more than a house guest, accompanying my mother on thrift store excursions and affectionately referring to my father as "Mister Charlie", a nickname I had suggested when I was fourteen, which was swiftly shut down.
One day, The Old Man, David, and I all decided to call in sick to our respective jobs, order some pizzas, and watch all three installments of Robert Rodriguez's Mexcio Trilogy. We camped out in the den upstairs, unbuckled our belts and let our eyes glaze in the glamorous glow of machismo, vendetta, and violence.
Also, dirty sex. There is a pretty amazing scene in "Desparado" where Salma Hayek - the whitest Mexican girl alive - bangs Antonio Banderas in a way that you would normally only see if Cirque De Sole performers were down on their luck and were willing to do anything for some quick cash. It was transfixing - the tractor beam of softcore pornography. And so we didn't notice that while Salma and Antonio were in the throes of some impossible upside-down affair, Daniel had wandered into the den.
"Daniel! Big kids movies! Get out!" we all cried. Daniel plodded his way out of the room, but he seemed even slower than usual. "Oh. Okay" he mumbled.
A few days later, David was looking for a book he was reading. Assuming that he left it in the den, he was surprised to discover Daniel sitting three inches away from the big screen TV as he navigated the scene selection menu of "Desparado".
"Daniel?'
"David I need to be alone right now!"
David pretty quickly figured the score. "Um...alright..I just need to get my book. Is that okay?"
Daniel became as cordial and as hurried as a concierge with explosive diarrhea. He guided David, hand on his lower back, to the corner where his book lay and back out the door. "Sure, David. Sure. You can get your book. But I need to be alone right now."
And he shut the door to the den in David's face.